Things you say to your toddler is written by Allison Barrett Carter. Allison is a contributor in our newest book, Lose the Cape: Never Will I Ever (and then I had kids!) that releases this Wednesday! We are still looking for reviewers and bloggers in exchange for a free ecopy of the book. If you’d like to participate, please sign up HERE. The blog tour will be ongoing for several months.
Friends, I am officially unfit for adult conversation.
While you may think this is due to lack of mental stimulation over the past 5 years (which I still deny in my quest to redefine Mom Brain), this is not the case. I am mentally stimulated and challenged frequently via writing and reading.
The problem is that my dialogue as a predominantly stay-at-home mom for the past 5 years has, well, shall we say, gone down the kiddy pot.
Apparently, the conversational skills you adopt while spending every single day with a toddler and Kindergartner do not translate well to real life.
So let me give you some advice based on my experience.
Here are 10 things you can say to your toddler, but not other adults:
[bctt tweet=” 10 things you can say to your toddler, but not other adults. @allisonbarrettc”]
1. You can’t say “BECAUSE I AM THE BOSS” really loud and expect everyone to do what you want.
2. Making a task a person doesn’t want to do in to a song is frowned upon in the workplace. (“Thank you God for giving us OVERTIME. Thank you God for giving us OVERTIME! For the extra work & the demanding clients, thank you God for giving us OVERTIME.”)
3. Counting to 3 while your eyes bug out of your head just makes you look weird…and like you don’t know what’s after 3… or that 2 1/2 isn’t the only half…there is a 1/2 and a 1 1/2, too.
4. Announcing that you are just going to the bathroom and will be “RIGHT BACK so try not to fight in the meantime” is inappropriate cocktail party behavior. Apparently.
5. When you say “excuse me” you do not need to explain why you said “excuse me.” Such as, no need to say “excuse me, I tooted.”
6. You can’t tell a grown man to get his hands off his penis.
7. If you don’t like what someone says to you, you can’t just snap your head up and say, ” What did you say?” in a lion’s roar. Another adult will not immediately apologize, slouch down in remorse, and ask if they can still have some Goldfish for snack.
8. Never, ever, ever tell another adult that you think they are cranky because it is past their bedtime.
9. It turns out that other adults have a sense of time and you can’t keep saying “5 more minutes” if you really mean 10 minutes, or 1.
10. The threat of taking dessert away for something like a missed deadline, having an accident, not using manners, or being mean does nothing to fix other adults.
Which it is too bad on #10. Maybe if adults responded like my kids to the threat of no dessert, the world would be a better place.
Now armed with these wise tips, good luck out there parents!
Allison Barrett Carter is a freelance writer in North Carolina. She is on a journey to keep learning and finding the best life, documenting it all on her website. Her pieces have appeared in many places such as New York Times’ Motherlode, Washington Post’s On Parenting, Role Reboot, The Good Men Project and in several print anthologies as well as various local news outlets. Follow her on Twitter or on her Facebook page.
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