The Worst Youth Soccer Team Ever


Remember the 2005 Will Ferrell flick Kicking and Screaming? The team was just the worst, but the boys didn’t seem too concerned. Eventually, the coach (Ferrell) decides he is sick of losing and recruits a few skilled Italians to join the team and things turn around. The Tigers start winning …

Well, I’m in the need of a few Italians for my daughter’s team.

This season, my little girl is on the all-time worst team, and it’s killing me. Each weekend, we lug our gear out to the sidelines. I braid her hair and get the cleats on. We fill up the water bottles and bring the snacks. And each weekend, we get slaughtered. We lose 7-0, 9-0, 11-0. It’s just no fun. The young group of five-year-olds, thankfully, seem oblivious. But still, it would be nice to score a few goals.

Still, the pain goes beyond the outrageous losses. The parents on this team cruise up to the game one minute before game time. They spend more time scrolling their phones than scanning the field. They don’t jump up to do a team tunnel. They don’t volunteer to help stripe the fields or take down the nets.

When their daughters whine to come off, they’ll leave the field at halftime. They don’t call to say they’ll miss a practice.

My husband, the ever-willing volunteer and soccer enthusiast, is the coach, and even his patience is wearing thin.

Me? I’m ultra-competitive, so this weekly butt-kicking is beyond humbling. Yes, I imagine my childish rant about five-year-old soccer sounds crazy, but I’m frustrated on so many levels.

In a season where our family of five is so busy, this experience feels like a waste of time, bringing little joy. It’s not the losing that bugs me as much as the lack of support and participation. Not only did my husband draw a very weak team, but he drew a cast of individuals who won’t help, show up on time or even cheer on the sidelines.

I’m certain there is a lesson folded into this very painful season, but at the moment, I’m ready to call it quits and enjoy a leisure-filled weekend, minus the soccer massacre. In a few months, we’ll likely laugh at this experience. But right now, it’s too soon. I’m kicking and screaming … and recruiting Italians (or mini Mia Hamms). I have no shame.

Has your child ever been on an absolute awful team? 

Give me some laughs and share your experiences. Misery loves company.

0 thoughts on “The Worst Youth Soccer Team Ever”

  1. Yes, and my husband was the coach. The parents were very similar and blamed some it on me not being the super soccer mom, even though I had a baby to take care of and I’m also ultra competitive. That said, they only won one game but their fundamentals increased greatly. Kids who couldn’t dribble could dribble easily and around other players, etc. Next year there’s a new team.

  2. The whole point of having your child play is to enjoy the game. She’s suppose to have fun at the field, regardless of what others are doing or not doing. It’s our culture that has you feeling this way. Does anyone remember Michael Jordan’s winning percentage when he was 5? Nope because no one cares. The enjoyment should come from being with your kids, getting ready, traveling to the game, and playing. That’s it. The score will matter when your child is old enough to understand. Don’t let others lack of commitment bother you.

  3. It’s okay to be in the worst team. Nobody is the born superstar or talented. Hard work makes everyone perfect. I believe that if she works hard she’ll get better and better and she’ll make others good too. Big example or inspiration is Cristiano Ronaldo. He’d nothing as a child. Just look at him now. Hard work made him best player ever to live. He’s inspiration of all. Hope your daughter will be one of the biggest star.

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