potty training

Yeah. You read that right. 13 months. Not everyone can be an over achiever. Ha.

This plan is very similar to the “How to Potty Train in 3 Days,” just tack on an extra 395 days.  It may sound challenging, but with a “Can Do Attitude,” you are assured success.  This exact program was a perfect fit for our beautiful daughter and I know it will work for you!

Before beginning this program, it is very important to properly prep.  First remove all rugs, carpeting, hardwood, and tile.  For optimal results, replace the flooring with dirt and grass seed.  Forgo the expensive fertilizer it is included in the program.

Step two: Stock up on essential tools for a successful experience.  You will need to purchase somewhere around thirty pairs of underwear.  The expensive princess kind seemed to work best for us. A special potty chair that makes a flushing sound, but doesn’t actually remove any waste is key.  While at the store, go ahead and purchase five to six of those large cases of diapers as well.  Skip the generic they seem to leak more.  You will need fifteen or so packages of flushable wipes and several industrial size bottles of Clorox (the fresh scent.)

After all of the actual “potty training,” potty supplies are purchased, head over to the candy aisle and load an extra cart full of chocolate chips, Twizzlers, and Skittles.  Last stop, toy section!  Bribery is crucial in completing the program.  Six to seven large toys will be needed; depending on how well your child can call your bluff.

CONGRATULATIONS!!

You are ready to start the most rewarding challenge of parenthood!  Spend a good portion of your child’s bedtime routine talking up the “Potty Fairy.”  She will be visiting that night and will leave all of the necessities to morph these little whipper snappers into panty wearing, princesses.  Be sure to let them know that they will be obtaining “Big Kid” status once graduated from the program.  This is a crucial step.  Then list all of the large toys that were purchased.  If you have a strong-willed child, you will need to go ahead and forego one of the said toys to get them to fall asleep.  Don’t panic.  This is why we have a backup.

Similar to “How to Potty Train in 3 Days,” w/ an extra 395 days! #pottytraining #moms Click To Tweet

Once the child is asleep take out, at least, $70 worth of the panties purchased and place them into a special sack. Victoria Secret seems to be a favorite in our house.  It gives it more of a big kid feel.  Don’t worry about pre-washing them.  They won’t be wearing them long enough to really matter.  Place the sack next to the “child potty” on the floor in the bathroom where one might think it belongs.  Relax, this can easily be moved to the living room in front of the television once the actual training begins.

The next morning, when the child awakes, reveal to them what the Potty Fairy brought with candid enthusiasm. Then remove their “last” soaking wet diaper for the “first” time and begin this exciting process of sitting them on the potty every ten minutes.  Please don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work the first 572 times.  This program guarantees success within 395 days of starting. If at any point the child becomes discouraged, you may implement the bribing, “reward” process.  Pennies work

If at any point the child becomes discouraged, you may implement the bribing, “reward” process.  Pennies work really well as a starter.  Once the piggy bank loses a leg and a quarter goes wee, wee, wee all the way to the bottom a pee filled potty, opt for your second resource.  Chocolate chips are great incentives, but can easily be mistaken for poo, once the reward starts being given before the actual deed is done.  Skittles or Twizzlers are the better options.

Having company over during this process is highly encouraged.  This is an exciting time and all of your childless friends will jump at the opportunity to witness a half-clothed child running around the house marking their territory or watching a cartoon while sitting on the lou.  Just make sure to enact the “leave your shoes on” policy.  You never know when or where a land mind may appear, so it is best to be prepared.

When the process seems to become a little daunting and you have thrown away three-fourths of your panty supply, feel free to resort back to diapers.  Toddlers don’t do well with consistency, so make sure you frequently switch it up on them. Once you have officially thrown in the towel and publicly stated that your child will still be shitting their pants when they receive their college acceptance letter, you will have neared the end of the program.  The idea of potty training is no longer your idea.  Therefore, the child will announce that “I no wear my diaper no more.”  When this happens, rush to the nearest Target to purchase an Elsa t-shirt. And there you have it!  Successful Potty Training in 13 Months.  You. Are. Welcome!

10678629_10100276083344190_7820509663285005489_n Diana Kane is wife, mom, and frequent companion to coffee and chaos. She is a proud supporter of ice cream cake for breakfast and perpetually struggles with being on time. Diana blogs at Mama Needs a Cupcake, where she writes about the less than perfect version of motherhood and recently published her first book, “Mama Needs A Cupcake.” Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

 

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