The String On A Pork Roast Is Not Meant For Tubal Ligation
Moms, if you are ready to tie your own tubes with a string from the pork roast, please read this article. There are many things about being a parent that I learned twenty years too late. When you’re in the trenches of motherhood, you do your absolute best to raise the little darling. You know which darling I’m talking about. The little one, who spits peas on your favorite white dress, bites your nipples and screams all night. It’s the same one who has taken up residence on your left hip. Yes, that one!
[bctt tweet=”#moms here are things that MIGHT save your sanity. @ANNEBARDSLEY1″]
There are things that I finally figured out that just might save your sanity:
#1 Kids don’t eat. Stop trying to shove protein and healthy food down their throats. Give them a corn chip and relax. If they want more, give them the bag. This does not make you a bad mom. Kids just don’t eat some days. I personally can’t understand how they do that.
#2 The little runts don’t sleep. If they notice you yawn, their little inner manic comes out to play. This is never good. The little inner manic can go for hours, like a tornado. Mental note: never yawn in a child’s presence ever
#3 Kids cry. You can’t make everything better all the time. Some days they just need to throw one hell of a fit. They scream, yell, stomp, spit, throw things and that’s just the beginning. Let them enjoy the meltdown. It’s good for the soul. I think this could work for adults too, honestly.
#4 Poop is not the biggest thing in the world. There is no reason to get a master’s degree in poop. I know some moms who carry a notebook. There are columns for color, consistency, and size. Size matters, once again. If you just ignore them, they will conveniently poop behind the sofa while you’re entertaining guests. Voila’ problem solved! Have more dinner parties and your kid will be regular. You can throw that notebook away.
#5 Kids are sassy. They will embarrass you in the check-out line by telling everyone you have a pimple on your butt or stinky farts. For some reason, they are consumed with butts. It actually makes sense because that is the part of us they see the most. Keep a tootsie pop in your purse and plug their little mouths when you sense an ass infomercial coming on.
#6 Kids are dirty. They are germs factories with legs. Their hands are in their mouths, up their nose, and let’s not forget their lower body parts. I suggest you keep their hands full of cookies to keep their little hands in.
#7 Kids don’t always like you. This one is hard to swallow. “I like Daddy better.” Enjoy this moment. Trust me there will be days, months, years when they will be your shadow. Run from the house and enjoy the break. Do not look back. Keep running and lock the car door.
#8 Kids change their minds all the time. “Do you want juice?” You pour juice. “I want milk.” You pour milk. “I want ice cream.” Do not fall for this one. Give them prune juice to teach them not to screw with mommy’s head. Then get ready to clean up behind the couch.
[bctt tweet=”#kids are not always cute. That’s okay. #losethecape @ANNEBARDSLEY1″]
#9 Kids are not always cute. Naturally I am not talking about your kid. I have seen some ugly children. I blame this on a mean mother-in-law. Ugly chromosomes must have passed to her son. Fortunately, these ugly children usually have beautiful eyes and a sweet disposition.
#10 Kids are wonderful. Just when you’re about to stick your head in a pre-heated oven, a kid will walk in with a little bouquet of flower heads just for you. They don’t like stems for some reason, so put them in a bowl and let them float.
#11 Kids are smart. You can’t fool them anymore. When it’s time for the Tooth Fairy, they are able to figure out her estimated time of arrival, the current average tooth price, and how fast she has to flutter to get into their room. If the Tooth Fairy is forgetful, they post a bad review on their computers and the tooth price skyrockets.
#12 Kids grow up in the blink of an eye. One day they won’t leave your lap. The next day they’re graduating from kindergarten. Blink again and they’re leaving for college. One more blink and you’re mother of the bride or groom. Before you know it they’re all grown. You’ll miss all these days, except for the pooping behind the couch. This is why all the things we worry about as young moms are not that important, after all. I barely survived raising five kids. I’m on the other side now wishing I’d realized what was really important then. Take the time, enjoy your kids. Remember, you don’t have to be perfect to be a good mom.
[bctt tweet=”advice by @ANNEBARDSLEY1 – when kids make you crazy enough to consider tubal ligation”]
Now put that string back on the pork roast and preheat the oven.
Anne Bardsley is a humor writer, speaker, and freelance writer. She is the author of How I Earned My Wrinkles…Musings on Marriage, Motherhood, and Menopause.
She is on a mission to find a chocolate pill to firm thighs, whiten teeth and remove wrinkles. She confuses her age and her bra size reporting she’s a thirty- six C, when in reality, she’s sixty-three. She barely survived raising five children and now has three beautiful grandchildren. She lives in St Pete, FL with her “wrinkle-maker” husband of thirty-seven years and two spoiled cockapoo pups. She blogs at www.annebardsley.com
Her work has been featured on Erma Bombeck, Better Writers After 50, Scary Mommy, Midlife Boulevard, Very Funny Women, WIRL Project, and local newspapers. She is currently working on her next book, Angel Bumps.