Editors note: We are so pleased to bring you this guest post full of parenting tips today by Melanie Celeste. We hope it makes you smile as much as it did for us! 

Tips For Every New Parent

The following is valuable advice for any parent, first or third time around… Hell, if you’re even thinking about having kids, give it a read. It can only help and by only help I mean at least entertain. It happened to me, so it doesn’t have to happen to you.

Tips for new parents

(c)depositphotos/dnf-style

1. If you are leaving your baby in the care of someone who has little to no experience with children, and you are only doing this because you have to run a quick errand, if it’s not easier for them to pick up your spouse, buy diapers, return the library book etc. Tell them, it’s ok if the baby turns red and begins to grunt. It’s normal, even. There is no need to dial 911. The odor that follows shortly after, may be a different story.

2. It may be a good idea to get a list of everything (or at least anything out of the ordinary) that your child had to eat while in the care of another. For instance, it would be great if we could bypass that whole episode where we rushed our six month old via ambulance to the emergency room because it appeared she was vomiting her intestines in their entirety, when in fact, her grandmother had fed her purred prunes, “with chunk of real prunes!”, a first for all of us.

3. Playing with your kid(s) is a wonderful thing. Do it as much and often as possible. Forget that old wives’ tale about not going swimming an hour after eating… given the choice, always get in the water over giving an airplane ride… you remember, the one where you put your feet on their tummy, launch and rock them back & forth? Unless you don’t mind a face/hair full of vomit, that is.

4.  Have a reason and a follow up reason for each and every action you make while your child is home. Want an ice cream sandwich after dinner? Why? Because it’s good. Why? Because of the ingredients? Why? It won’t stop there either, not by a long shot. They’ll just keep on doing it to watch your face change colors. Their eyes focused on your every micro movement, detecting any twitch or the slightest hesitation and then… BAM!!! Rapid machine gun fire like rounds of question after question. Be prepared or at the very least, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Maybe keep an oxygen tank accessible at all times.

5.  It has been a dream of yours since you were a kid to be a writer and now you are! Congrats, we did it! Please, don’t ever again leave anything in your little cherub’s school bag pertaining to sex, sexual relationships, laws, positions and/or questions teenagers may have- even if it IS for a website, an assignment, you will get a note home from the teacher AND the principal.

And most importantly, remember…

Every day is a new day and you can start it out with a great big smile spread across your face, provided you sleep with a cap-less marker anywhere in the house.

Melanie Melanie Celeste is a Minnesota based freelance writer, sticking it out in the suburbs, though her creative heart resides in the cities. Occasionally you can catch her doing open mic nights around town in the various comedy clubs but more often than not, she’s at home, hanging out with her husband, daughter and two fat, ungrateful cats. You can connect with her on Twitter here or read her blog here. 

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